I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
