The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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