You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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