I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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