someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
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