who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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