You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
