My friends, they love my intelligence
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Welp...herpes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Randomize