I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I wish you could order shots online.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Randomize
