I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
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Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
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I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
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