ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Randomize
