I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
