i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
only you would photoshop your dick
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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