I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
