You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
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