Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Randomize
