An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
