he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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