Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Randomize
