I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
he quoted the bible to break up with me
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Randomize
