he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Just invented taco cereal.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
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