Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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