So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I want to be your penis for a week.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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