FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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