those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Randomize
