All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Randomize
