oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
