If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
