Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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