The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
