I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
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