Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
