don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
