Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
