on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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