Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
