Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
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All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
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If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
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