Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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