no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
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