If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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