so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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