Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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