Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Randomize
