Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize