I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
did i walk over a car last night?
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Randomize
