I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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