i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
