Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Randomize
