Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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