I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
