Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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