I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
