I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
